What kind of man defaces a defenseless textbook? What do you want to do with your life?

My inner 17-year-old is surprised to read this, but I am an “old school” parent—my wife and I make all family decisions. Some families may be democracies and I personally know two families that are ruled by six-year-old girls. I am not saying my wife runs our house like a military academy. Our kids don’t have to eat everything on their plate, but we decide what is for dinner.

This approach works best for our family. The extra freedom we used to give our older son overwhelmed him. Asking him whether he would prefer black beans or chickpeas for lunch stressed him out with an unwelcome and unnecessary distraction. He has better things to do than worry about the menu and is happier when we decide for him.

There is a biological explanation for this behavior.

We normally think of natural selection affecting our physical structure. Why do peacocks have those big colorful tails? Peahens prefer them--probably a lot-- because large tails are a big disadvantage. You need to eat more if you want a big tail and that could be a problem when food is scarce. Also, I’m sure that tigers appreciate the large colorful heads up that dinner is served.

Natural selection can also select tendencies for certain behaviors over other tendencies. One of those behaviors is to believe without question things that our parents and authority figures tell us. If your parents say, “Stay back from the edge of that cliff!” or “Spit out that red berry!” you are pretty likely to do as they say. This is because your ancestors also were likely to listen to their parents. The kids who didn’t listen fell off cliffs or poisoned themselves and didn’t pass along their “you’re not my boss” genes.

Just as a peacock’s tail has the unfortunate consequence of making peacocks easier to spot by predators, our inclination to believe authority figures no matter what sometimes gets us in trouble. Religious suicide cults are an extreme example. My dad told me (sarcastically, I hope) that even though an hour starts when the minute hand is on the twelve, a minute begins when the second hand is on the nine. I thought that was odd, but it didn’t occur to me to question it. I believed it for fifteen years until I actually said it out loud and logic took over.

Luckily for me, when a minute starts never came up. Unluckily for me, politicians, sales people, and ad execs frequently try to fool me because they know I am inclined not to question authority figures. They are successful sometimes but I swear that I have never bought anything from QVC.

Watch the intro to this Twisted Sister video and you'll see where I'm going.





Digression for musical history: If you weren't around in the 1980s, there was a big difference between metal fans then and the last fifteen years of metal fans. Recently, metal fans are supposed to be in shape and with nice tattoos. They are cool and their girlfriends look like Amy Lee from Evanescence. Back in the day, the real metal fans I knew were more like the kid in this video. They wore their coats all year long--even in gym--and didn't really talk to anybody.

(Actually, they did talk to me. I got to know them when I wound up in remedial gym class. Some of them were pretty good at volleyball. Remedial gym was fun. Once you get rid of the guys who have something to prove the freaks who have nothing to lose can have a good time.) We owe the metalheads a debt for keeping rock alive between The Last Waltz and Soundgarden's first A&M album. (Remember that I am an authority and you should accept this statement without thinking about it too much.)

So what about the fat metal kid? He didn't listen to any authority figure. What does evolution say about him? I am not aware that anyone has isolated a Dokken fandom gene. If it exists, it wasn't being passed on much 25 years ago.

When we mature, our environment requires that we think for ourselves. Otherwise we won't prosper compared to those people who can. The free spirits with ballpoint drawings of Randy Rhoades on their jean jackets were pretty independent of the stupid social scene in high school. If they could tell that the prom was crap, maybe they could see through other more important things later in life. Maybe they didn't invest in Enron. Maybe they know that new cars are for suckers. Maybe they know that iTunes isn't going to save the music industry and their budget portable music players contain .wav files off the new Motörhead double live CD.

St. Skynyrd

Last month, one son came across the story about St. Patrick chasing the snakes from Ireland. I wondered if there truly were no snakes in Ireland, and if not, why not? If there ever were snakes in Ireland, when did they leave?

I found out. A few days later while "Free Bird" was playing on the radio, I said "Hey, guess what? I found out who chased the snakes out of Ireland. It wasn't St. Patrick. Can you guess who it was?"

"Lynyrd Skynyrd."

Rock on! But actually it was Bono. OK, not really.

We have two competing explanations. First, a holy man came to Ireland 1500 years ago and converted the Pagans to Christianity. One of the cool things he did was banish the snakes. That's pretty rocking, if you ask me. Dude was so righteous that all the snakes left.

On the other hand we have one of the great American Southern Rock bands. During their 1975 tour with Thin Lizzy and Horslips a bunch of their drunken roadies heckled the Clancy Brothers by calling out requests for "Free Bird" every three minutes. The smoke from all the cigarette lighters held aloft somehow... OK, I have no idea. But they got rid of the snakes.

What about a third option? How would David Lee Roth handle it? After driving his Camaro into the pool, he might decide that he wants to get rid of all snakes in Ireland.

"Should I crush them? No, I'll freeze them. I'll crush and freeze them under two miles of ice. So what if I ruin Canada and most of Europe? When things warm up, the snakes will start heading north but they won't make it back to Ireland.

"A lot of the ocean water will be tied up in the ice sheets so sea level will be lower. After England thaws but while there are still big glaciers up north, snakes will be able to slither right back into England. The Irish Sea is deeper so there will be enough water to separate Ireland from England. The snakes won't be able to return."

That would be boss, wouldn't it? You know what? That's what really happened. (Except for the part about David Lee Roth.) The snakes left Ireland during what we call The Ice Age.

I will tell you one thing I like about reality. Make up the craziest thing you can and nature will do you one better.

I'll tell you something else. We are actually still in The Ice Age. We are simply between periods of lots of glaciers. What we call the last Ice Age is really the last glacial period.